forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
