I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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