I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
