im having a threesome with these popsicles
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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