The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize