I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
