My brain says no but my pants say off.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
