can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
there is glitter all over my balls
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
