I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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