Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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