The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
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We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
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I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize