Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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