P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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