thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
