if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Still dying that you shit outside
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
