I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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