somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
cat food counts as protein by the way
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Come share oat with me in your robe
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
