And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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