can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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