Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
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