all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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