it's too hot outside to masturbate.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
