you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
