yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
