Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
