In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
