I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
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