i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
