Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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