it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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