If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
