we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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