I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
