Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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