proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
