i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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