Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
