why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
