I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
