I'm lost and stupid without you.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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