You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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