Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
