I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
