I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
