i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
she told me i tasted like america
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
