If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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