I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
