apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
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