He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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