she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
