Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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