i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
