I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
