Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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