u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
