yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
