Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
