My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
