dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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