Me. At least after what I've been through.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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