I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
