They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
