before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
